Beauty

Tonight I found some beauty.  In fact I was privileged to sit in a room full of beautiful women, all there hoping to find some grace.  It was wonderful.  I am cynical of meeting new people to say the least, and seriously debated staying home and 'holing up' as I prefer to do.  But I mustered the courage and went.  I am so glad I did.

I met a wonderful woman tonight.  Her name is Wendy Joy Hart.  I found her through Meetup.com.  Going into this I thought surely this woman is selling something, or pushing something.  The last meetup group I joined was more of a way of drumming up business for the woman who led it than a meetup group.  I promptly quit that group.  But this one was so different.  I left feeling better, lighter, and happier than I've felt in years.  I learned a whole lot of new things, and hopefully made some new friends.   Beautiful friends.

Driving home I was struck by the fact that I was in a room full of beauty and could easily, very easily, have missed it.  These are the moments, the light I need to retrain my eye to see.  My memory to hold.  I had pictured this being a scary thing.  Me and all my baggage.  My deep deep shame and shyness to boot.  But whenever I am in a group of women who are real and honest I find that we all have baggage, and shame.  If we can just be real for a moment we find that none of us wants to be left out or judged.  We are all looking for love and a little acceptance.  That is my motto as you know choose love.  On my way to the group I kept telling myself, it'll be ok, just choose love.  It was exactly where I was supposed to be tonight, and I almost robbed myself of the opportunity.

You Are Not Alone

Quack, quack, quack, quack!  This is what I hear as I sit here contemplating what to post today.  So much going on in the last week or so.  The ducks have grown into their 'quack' now, which I find a lot more pleasant than the loud peeping they did before.  The chicks are almost chickens now, with the exception of Brownie who is just small still.  I didn't mention this in my last post, but I believe Brownie was younger than the others when we got her, and she is the one who has not grown much yet.  She still needs lots of warmth.   We have taken to putting the chickens out with the ducks every day and as I mentioned they all stick together.  What I didn't tell you is how they all huddle around Brownie when she needs warmth.  They protect her, and watch after her.  They have since the beginning.  It's like they instinctively know she needs warmth, and they surround her.  

This is how they sleep.  Surrounding Brownie.

Last year I started Art Journaling.  I found it very healing to do this daily.  It also served as a proving ground for new techniques.  These last few months I have not had the inclination to art journal either.  So I carried it around with me daily, and hoped the muse would visit once again.  But nothing.  Over the last couple of weeks; possibly because I once again feel in need of comfort and healing; I have started art journaling again daily.  Sometimes more than once a day.  And with all the things going on in my head lately- sometimes even in the middle of the night.  I still write in my traditional journal.  I actually do a lot of writing as I find that a source of healing as well, but when I distill my days, or my thoughts, my state of mind into a picture, a thing of beauty that I can look back on and remember, it is very satisfying.  And honestly beauty, color, and sparkles make me happy.  

It's hard to see the sparkles here, but they are there.
Bad lighting, sorry.

My kids tease me, as I am very much like my Gramsy in that I love anything sparkly or cute.  "Oooh Shiny" they often say as I am distracted from whatever task by something.  It's their way of reminding me to focus.  I struggle with that.  I would much rather be in a dreamland than focus on the facts, which is interesting since I have always thought myself a realist, and I love the truth.  Sometimes I find things just too frightening, or too big to contemplate  in the moment, so I am easily distracted.  Especially by shiny things.  Just like my Gramsy.  My sister and I once cleaned her dresser for her.  There must have been hundreds of teeny little boxes of jewelry and little sparkly things.  Bought and placed neatly in her drawer, or jewelry box, but probably never worn.  

This is where my head has been.   I have come out of solitary, and am finding ways to focus on what I need to  focus on to find some peace.  It is not an easy thing.  The truth sometimes is not.  But I know it's what I need and that it will get easier.  Remembering to create something beautiful everyday, even if it's just beautiful to me, helps.  Words  help.  Another post on that later.  Here are some images from my art journal lately. 

 I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone.  My many peeps remind me of that visually, and daily.  This is my reminder to you.  You are not alone. 

My peeps