Love, Art, Life

Love, Art, Life

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Hello Again

Hello again from my geenie's lamp.  I have a funny story to tell you about this past year that I have not been blogging and a new lesson learned.  It only took me a year to learn it.

Ha!  This is my minds answer to my requests...  
I went into 2013 with my new resolution being to "Speak My Truth".  Funny because I have not said a thing all year.  Not funny because that is what I was trying to overcome.

I have learned a few things this year.  About myself, about life, about truth.  I have for a long time said that I am a lover of truth.  I have searched for it my whole life.  The absolute truth.  At the same time I came to realize over this past year that the truth scares me to death!  And when faced with the truth I tend to clam up. Not to mention that when I try to make myself do something, or think something my mind simply refuses to cooperate.  Like a teeny child having a tantrum, my mind will do all it can to avoid doing what I ask of it.  So I have learned first of all that I need to use reverse psychology on myself.  Sounds crazy, I know, but truthfully aren't we all a little 'crazy' sometimes?

So I started the year with the intention to 'speak my truth' and honestly I failed miserably.  Sounds like an easy thing, right?  Well let me tell you it proved to be a lot more challenging than I ever imagined.  Half way through the year I found myself writing in my art journal " The Truth is I am not a liar, I simply cannot tell the truth."  It made me laugh to realize that, even though it is not at all funny.  My mind works that way, it's quite humorous.

 I have found a lot of answers in that method.  I sit down and write "The truth is________" and see what it gets me.  It's a scary thing, try it sometime.

My art journal tends to be a chronicle of my life and all I am learning day to day.  And I am surprised at how much I learn, and how much there still is to learn.  It blows my mind when I remember all the things I used to 'know' and finding out daily all the things I really don't know.  In fact there are many things that I am convinced one just cannot ever truly know.  That's a scary thought to me,  being one who needs to feel in control of everything.  The truth is I control nothing.  I really know nothing, despite all my efforts to learn.  Some things are just too big for my comprehension.  And that's ok.

I used to think I needed to KNOW everything.  Beyond the shadow of a doubt.  To know the right answers to all the questions.  And that would make me legitimate.  A legitimate __________.  But over the last decade I have learned that life is not that simple.  And no one can ever know anything fully.  Sure there are experts in all kinds of fields, but does that mean they know everything?  I used to think so.  And that made them 'acceptable', it gave them credentials.   The problem is that also made me a 'fraud'.  The truth is I don't know everything about anything, and honestly I don't think I ever can.  Life is just too big and too much of a mystery to fit it all into my little brain.  Especially with all the other millions of things I need to know like school schedules, doctors appointments, social security numbers, the list is endless.  And add a husband and kids into that mix and the list truly does become endless.

Someone once told me "Jack of all trades, master of none".  That little blurb has stayed in my mind my whole life and crippled me really.  If I cannot master things then I have no credibility, right?  Because there are masters of everything these days.  What is a master?  Someone who has dedicated themselves, their time, their energy to learning all they can about a particular subject of their choosing.  Where does that leave me?  Mom of 6 kids just trying to make it through a day without permanently harming anyone?  Jacked that's where.  To have such a high standard for myself is only hurting me.  I suppose the truth is I could choose to be a master of something, if I really wanted to.  But clearly I don't.  I have chosen a husband, six kids, friends, various pets,, respect for the earth and all it's inhabitants and all the commitments that come along with that.  The truth is I simply have no time left to dedicate right now to mastering something else. Now that is not to say that we don't work hard at things, and try to be exceptional at them.  I think we all want that, right?  But it does help me to see that my expectation of perfection is all in my mind.  And I'm done with that.

I had a new friend look me up online and encourage me in my art.  Honestly this year I have been struggling with the question "Art. Does it really matter?"   and  more specifically "Does mine matter?"  The world is full of artists and dreamers.  Many of them better than me.  Why add my voice to that? It was the same when I was a singer.  Someone once told me "singers are a dime a dozen"- so my thought was 'then why would my voice matter?'.

The answer to these questions is still formulating in my mind.  And most likely is too long to write here and now.  One day hopefully I will have an answer to that question...

It would really help me realize that an art degree and mastery of all things art related are not a necessity in my life right now...

 maybe when Lucha Pigs fly...  


WendyLady@GoodBooks said...

Geenie - loved reading your thoughts. I've found that life is made up of ever-changing seasons - you'll know when it's your "art season" because you probably won't be able to stop it from pouring out of you. Maybe right now is your "family season". Anyway, it sounds like you're taking life a day at a time, which is the best way. Miss seeing your beautiful face! xxoo

Geen Grey said...

Oh this comment thing is so frustrating. It has errored out on me twice trying to reply to you Wendy. Thank you! Yes, it is a strange season for me right now. Has been for a few years. I do miss seeing you and your sweet husband as well. Hopefully soon.