I am thinking about dumping this blog. My husband said to me the other day that people would read my blog if I wrote my truth. My truth. Not here necessarily, but just a truth blog. Not a bad idea.
This is me speaking my truth, just because I feel like it. Not to get anyone to read it- or sympathy, or anyone to even care. It's hard for me to believe people really care anyway. So here goes.
I am hurting right now. My heart feels like a lead weight in my chest and the tears just don't stop. My oldest son moved out yesterday- who knew it would be so difficult for me! I just want to curl up in bed an cry. I know this is not 'normal'. Buy I am coming to grips with the fact that I am not 'normal'. I guess I've always known this, but never really accepted it. In fact I think I tried really hard to be 'normal' for a long time. It was harmful to myself in the end and I will not do that again, but I think it's what most people attempt at least once in their lives. Then hopefully we learn a better way.
The truth is this blog is difficult for me. Remember the John Cusack line from Say Anything:
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as
a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." -Lloyd Dobler
Um, yeah that's pretty much how I feel too. I have never wanted to sell anything. And yet here I am, an Etsy seller with a blog and a facebook, twitter that I've pretty much abandoned, and a Pinterest profile. I think if you follow any of my stuff, my Pinterest, my Etsy shop, Facebook you could figure that about me. It is challenging. I do end up selling stuff, but the thing about Art is I believe it should be accessible to all so I sell things very reasonably. Most likely too reasonably. In fact I've been told that more than once. But if someone wants one of my pieces I want them to have it. I want it to bless them, and bring them joy. I think I was born in the wrong era. My people were a gift society. I would love nothing more than to be able to do that. Just gift everything to anyone who needs it.
The truth is this life is hard for me. I am a 'sensitive' person given to being overly sympathetic. I am an HSP. That is a Highly Sensitive Person who is also struggling with a Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, Adult ADD (whatever that is) and likely other things. I did not know any of this for more than the first half of my life and honestly if I had escaped the lifetime of traumas maybe it wouldn't be this bad, but the fact is that it is. All I can do now is deal with it the best I can and try to live life anyway.
The truth is I wish there were a way to opt out of society. Maybe opt out of life altogether. It can be so overwhelmingly difficult. And the pain gets so old. I have been making an effort for years to change my thinking. It is overwhelmingly negative, and I think I understand now that it doesn't have to be. Changing ones whole way of thinking is no small task though. And it is so easy to go backward. It's natural for me. I have always thought of myself as a 'melancholy' and a 'realist'. The reality is my son has lived with me for 20+ years and I will sorely miss him. As a homeschooler I did spend much time with him. More than most people get to, but maybe that is why this is so hard too. I will miss him awfully.
I know life is 'short'. Too short not to live it as fully as one can. And I am trying, believe me, I am really trying. But right now this is my truth. I hurt and want to curl up in a ball and cry. That's all. I guess it will just take time to get beyond this. There are many changes right now. We are moving, going back to homeschooling, he moved out. Maybe it's just too much stress all at once. I don't know. All I know is that I don't often (if ever) speak MY truth, just as it is. And tonight I wanted to. So here it is. I am trying hard to believe that the truth is good and not pain. That life is not pain. Which brings up another of my favorite movie quotes that often runs through my head Man in Black: "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."